WOW!! Is it time!!!! And YES I am pouting!!!!

So it is way past midnight and I am up looking at pictures from Eastons blessing just a week ago. I am huge and disgusting!!! Here I have this gorgeous baby and I can't get past anything but my HUGE SELF!!! Selfish? Yes. Embarrassing? Yes!! Such a special day and the majority of it for me was spent worrying about my looks (and judging by the pictures I have plenty of reason to worry)! I know I am the only one to read this and it is more of a diary than anything but all the more reason to bust out a vision board!!!!! I honestly do not even recognize myself anymore!

Too late tonight for the vision board but it is next!!!!!!!! I need help and if that doesn't do it nothing will!

Why does one sabotage themselves? I do not understand how I let myself get to this point!!!!!!!!!!!

YAY ME!

Well I did it! I joined Lady Fitness, it's a gym just for girls and it is not even a block away from my house. So no excuses right? They even have a day care!

I went to my first class two nights ago and hope to go again today. I decided to do the basic step class since I use my step at home a lot. Well I am gonna go ahead and say that it was anything but basic. Lot's of fun but a full hour of it kicked my butt!! I totally got schooled by some old ladies and I am still sore.

I will admit it was hard to get myself there...I was so caught up in my fatness and what people would think of me. I went back and forth for so long I was a little late for the class. I finally told myself..."I can sit here and stress about the way I look or I can go and do something about it" So I did and since it was aerobics I was able to get in a full hour without hating every minute of it!!

This morning I woke up determined to go work out and somehow I ended up eating breakfast at McDonald's instead. Ugh! So now I am determined to hit the 4:30 Zumba class...I hope by blogging about it, it will help me get there. They always say to write your goals down. So it has been written (or typed rather) lets see if I can get it done :)

Ha! So it's been a year and 2 whole days since I have last blogged. I am happy to say I now weigh 105 lbs and have never felt better! NOT! The real update is I have since had another bouncing baby boy who is now 4 months old, and yep you guessed it I am another 35 lbs heavier than I was when I last posted. Yay for me (please note the sarcasm)!

Cleaning out storage and de-junking the other day I came across an outfit I will use as my "goal cloths" I remember wearing the shirt on a trip I took with my husband while we were dating. So between my goal clothes and a new determination to blog my progress I am hoping it will keep me motivated. My husband and I have started P90X and on the days I don't workout with him I have been hitting the treadmill. So far I have gained 3 lbs. (again, YAY ME) Not to be discouraged though..... I have been on steroids for an allergic reaction for the last month and that my friends is my "excuse" wich I am sure you will hear plenty of.

So here goes it....I am at an all time high in weight and an all time low in self esteem with 60 lbs to lose I have created quite the challenge for myself.

The journey begins.......

Why the pretty face?

Have you ever noticed that if a guy thinks a skinny girl is hot, pretty, beautiful etc. he simply says to her "Man your hot" or "You are really pretty" and so forth? Well, if you have ever struggled with the chub you probably know that if a guy tells you that you are pretty it usually goes like this... "You have a really pretty face". Why is that? I can tell you why, men have this ego problem you see and though they may appreciate your beauty they can not admit to themselves that size isn't everything!!!!

My last upset/post was about my pictures from my bellydance trip to Vegas! How did that trigger a post on "pretty faces"? You guessed it, once again I was told by some random stranger that I had a "pretty face" Instead of thanking him I proceeded to do a fake kick to his groin and said "So what you think I'm fat" I then stomped my foot and marched off. Immature....yes, am I a little sensitive about my weight yes. I know he really was giving me a sincere compliment but why can't we just be pretty without being reminded we are not a size starve yourself ?

A few weeks ago we went on a family camping trip to Island Park, it is in Idaho and it is a beautiful place if you have never been. Anyways, we finally arrived after a 4 hour drive with a two year old and I can't tell you how excited I was to get out of the truck. So, I hop out and while Lance is getting the trailer all set up I went to chat with some family members (which included my aunt, my grandma and my other aunt who has Down syndrome). No kidding to seconds after I walk up my aunt ( the one with Downs) says "Stephanie still has all of her baby fat" keep in mind Ryker will be 3 next month! I tried to stay calm, considering she can't always help what she says, however honest it may be. My Grandmother tried to help me feel better by saying " It don't matter you have such a good personality and such a pretty face who cares what size you are". Geez thanks Grandma "pretty face" and "a good personality"! You gotta love family. I just went off in search of a labtop I had a strong urge for some blogging!

So my next goal is to not "lose weight" but rather to work out every day. I know I can it is all about making it a habit. So wish me luck, so far I have been squeezing in workouts at least twice a week and taking a dance class once a week. From now on it needs to be 6 days a week, I wont be dancing this year which sucks, it is a work out I actually enjoy.
Today was my first day of my new commitment and I even set my alarm and had exercised before the kids woke up. If I keep doing that there will be NO excuses, they tend to be my biggest interference when it comes to working out.
Hopefully by the next time I get around to blogging I will have stuck to my goal.

P.S.

By the way, we took first in our competition.:) That is a plus, even fat girls can be winners sometimes.......Yea!!!!!:)

I will post later about the whole pretty face experience! A compliment that is only given to fat girls (I know some of you know exactly what I am talking about).

Depressing End to a Depressing Day!

Wow! All I can say is Wow!!!!!!!!!!!

We recently traveled to Las Vegas for a Belly dance competition, and again Wow!!! One of the girls just posted at least 90 (for reals 90) pictures of how fat I am!!!!!!! I seriously was in tears!!

I felt insecure the whole time I was there but seeing the pictures, I obviously was not insecure enough!!!!! Holy cow, I can not express the emotions that ran through my head as I flashed all those photos. Sick.

What I don't get is... how is that not enough to make me starve myself? Freak, I hate to be a "poor me" person but I am gonna be right now!!! I have honestly worked hard this whole summer for this trip and you would think by lookin at these pic's that the thought of losing weight has not crossed my mind for at least three years. Again, sick! Why work and stress so much for that kind of a reward.?!

I tell ya I am going back to drinking coke!:) Anything to help me cope!!!!! Gag, I make myself sick.

Props to my hubby who acts like he still luvs me as much as ever!!!!!!

Stop And Smell The Roses.

It is funny how death makes you put things in perspective. My grandma passed away two days ago and it was kind of unexpected. It just reminds me that I should spend more time loving all of the great people I have in my life. I tend to get caught up in trivial things like weight and being frustrated because I can't keep a clean house or keep up with laundry. Losing someone close just tends to snap me back to reality. The time I waste stressing keeps me from enjoying!

I came across this poem last night and loved it! I spend so much of my day trying to get stuff done that sometimes I miss out on quality time with my kids. There will be a day when I will be able to keep up on housework but right now it will just have to get done when it gets done! I don't want my kids to remember me for my clean house I would rather they have fonder memories than that when I am gone.

Today I left some dishes dirty

the bed got made around 3:30.

The diapers soaked a little longer,

the odor grew a little stronger.

The crumbs I spilled the day before

are staring at me from the floor.
The fingerprints there on the wall

will likely be there still next fall.

The dirty streaks on those window panes

will still be there next time it rains.

Shame on you, you sit and say,

just what did you do today?

I held a baby till she slept,

I held a toddler while he wept.

I played a game of hide and seek,

I squeezed a toy and made it squeak.

I pulled a wagon, sang a song,

taught a child right from wrong.

What did I do this whole day through?

Not much that shows, I guess that's true.

Unless you think that what I've done,

might be important to someone

with deep blue eyes and soft blond hair.

If that is true.... I've done my share.